DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
JOKE: Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
JOKE: A blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing-eye dog. Very briskly, the man makes his way to the center of the store, and stops. Without hesitation, the man picks his dog up by its leash and begins spin the dog around over his head. Seeing the poor pooch flying around the air, the store managers quickly makes his way over to the blind man. Without pause, the manager asks the gentleman if he can help. Without concern, the blind man replies, "Nope, just looking around."
JOKE: There's a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures "what the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
JOKE: A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, he's just for good luck," said another.
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
JOKE: A man tied his Great Dane outside the grocery store and went inside to do some shopping. A little while later another man came over to him and asked if the Great Dane outside was his. He replied that it was and then the other man said, “Well I’m sorry to tell you this, but I believe my dog just killed your dog.” The owner of the Great Dane looked at him and asked what kind of dog he had, to which he replied that he had a Chihuahua. The Great Dane’s owner looked at the other man as if he’d lost his mind and asked, “How could that be?” The other man replied, “Well I’m afraid he choked on him.
JOKE: "I say, madam, why do you want to get a divorce?"
JOKE: One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
JOKE: What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.
JOKE: Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
JOKE: As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
JOKE: A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."
The little girl goes to her father, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you." "Hm." He answers, takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it. "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."
Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad asks, "Where is Susie?" Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."
JOKE: On the door of the little country store a stranger noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger could not help but be amused. "That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
JOKE: A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles. ‘That’s a nice fire engine,’ says the man. ‘But wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?’ ‘Yes,’ says the boy. ‘But then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
JOKE: After many years of service, a rich lady decides to fire her maid and hire someone younger. When she hears the news, the maid takes a steak out of the fridge and throws it to the family dog. ‘Why did you do that?’ asks the lady of the house. ‘I never forget a friend,’ replies the maid. ‘That was for his help cleaning the dishes all these years!’
JOKE: Two women are sitting in a vet’s waiting room with their dogs, one a Jack Russell, the other a Great Dane. The Jack Russell’s owner says she’s there because her dog humps anything that moves. ‘Mine’s exactly the same,’ says the Great Dane’s owner. ‘Oh,’ says the first owner. ‘So you’re here to have him neutered?’ ‘No,’ replies the second. ‘I’m having his toenails trimmed.’
JOKE: A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed anyway.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. "Yes," she replied,"they're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"